2024 looking back roundup.

Well.... it wasn't as bad as last year.

im going to write this without sharing publicly: TRUE devotees can find it via my homepage.... or maybe you have to be even trickier than that !! lmaooo. and then when im done the YOTR post ill edit this. whatever the case, im sure im missing lots! a year is a large and heavy thing!

hi; editor kam here, feeling much less somber than i was when i wrote this. let's inject some cheer?

can i tell you something. cute layouts are super stressful for me. theyre a little bit fun, sure, but the fun is oft outweighed by hours and hours of stress. lets keep this page simple, yeah? im typing completely off the cuff too (well.... deleting one or two things on a second pass.) (this is true. id like to imagine a real devotee saw certain things before deletion, but if not, that's fine; i'm sure the upcoming year will bring things even more interesting than what i ultimately decided to remove.) so if i sound strange or unenergetic thats why.

hmmmmm what do i feel like ive excelled in this year....this is, of course, an incomplete and hyperpersonal list.

i got an ace hnkna keychain i keep with me saying "well he needs to go new places frequently or he'll get destructive". i havent been able to photograph him quite like i planned but its absolutely helped me get out a little more. i wanted to Get Out More this year and i think i did meet my goal :]

i went to explicitly lgbt places a few times this year!!! im proud of myself for this!!! i pushed myself very hard to get to a queer bookstore in june (in the middle of a week in which i was absolutely breakdowning, too!), thanks to the advice of a dear and supportive friend i visited the lesbian herstory archives twice, and of course of course flamecon!!

flamecon this year was the bessssssst TwT❤️❤️❤️

i feel like ive grown up a bit, or at least begun to develop a consciousness of being "an adult". i know mental age is fake, but ive always felt a bit like i was emotionally frozen at a younger age than i am physically. I dont know if i "feel 27" but im finally starting to feel like someone with both responsibility and the chance for freedom.

more and more, i think "im an adult, i cant get into trouble for that!"

with this growing up comes fresh awareness of ways ill always be immature. we must learn to accept these!

im so glad i got into sayer podcast in january. Having a fresh year start point like that was so nice.

developed an extreme hunger to dom someone. thank you sayer podcast (and a special shout out to jacob hale) for awakening the beast........ do i want the powerful ai to fuck me the human or do i want to fuck a human like a powerful ai would...... um, yes to all, please! but it's nice to think about the type of hunger that was being neglected a bit till now.

Like my other hungers, to sub for someone, and to have plain vanilla sex with someone...... this of course went wholly unfulfilled this year.

as mitski said: my god im so lonely.

routinely this year, ive had full on meltdowns about being so hot with no one to share it with. the swooning romantic in my heart has finally laid down and given up, and ive been thinking "even just a trusted friend!! even just a casual fwb!!" , but of course, that hasnt happened either, and when i think of friends i suspect may be open to it i immediately go "no way!!! i couldnt do that to them!!!". i feel harmful and predatory often.

tangentially, ive come to a (maybe wrongful and needs to be reconsidered?) conclusion that i think its fine to silently affection test people as long as you realize from the outset that theyll nearly always fail because you never told them anything, and so you cant get too upset. You have to say "haha, what was i expecting! oh well!" and really own it that youre emotionally testing people for the pure love of the game. because you just like to do so. like gambling, i guess, you'll only fail if you're in it to win big, but if you're there just for the enjoyment of the game........... well, its a good thing ive invented gambling without money that stays entirely inside my body.

this page is a perfect example: im making people jump through hoops to read it, and even then, I'm counting on them using the commentbox to tell me they did. I'm banking on the gamblehope of someone putting in effort to engage with me without direction to do so, and in the manner (online snoopin', saying hiii) that i like to do.

and maybe sometimes someone stumbles across a win....!

yes, like gambling.

the mantra ive had this year is "youre clearly never going to stop having big emotions the way you do, but you can choose whether or not to make it someone elses problem". im proud of myself for handling certain moodswings and crises on my own a little bit more.....i assume this is only visible to me, and invisible to friends, but im telling you, it was the case.

im an artist, subject to moods............

surely being the way that i am carries some benefit and use, right?! surely i dont need to uproot my methods entirely?!

or maybe i do. well, i can debate this forever.

ive become unfathomably doomerpilled about the future of religion. my otd arc begins?! honestly im not taking anything i think about judaism and frum culture too seriously right now; i know im just throwing a tantrum in my heart. i cant wait to have a calm and rational opinion in a few years.

i moved! i knew it would have to happen eventually. it was super stressful and im still @_@ about it.

some other stressful things happened earlier this year....lets not go into it, i dont want to go into it....it left me feeling bad at making decisions about myself. i cant afford to be weak in that area!!!

i made a lot of new friends this year!!!! and deepened friendship with some people i only casually knew :] :] im really happy for all the people ive met. and for all the wonderful and lovely talks i had with friends old and new ♡♡♡♡

i got into clay!!!! playdoh+paint, newly beloved combo.

i did artfight!!!!! it was so much fun!!!!!!!!

being primarily into an english language media this year made me slack severely on japanese studies. 2025: lets get back into it!!!! by the end of 2025 itd be nice to be able to seriously hold my own in a vc with japanese friends....

my dad has been basically stable this year but of course still very ill. I dont want to say anything more about it here but it has to be affecting me.

it was brought to my attention im Posting Thru It a little. ive decided to own it. easier than repressing, huh...

ive been bending my knees to try springing into being "the kind of person whos public about things even my overshare loving self feels are strictly private, but i see other people being public about, so maybe ill practice being a person like that". time will tell if i dont accomplish or do and love it or do and regret

no, thinking about it overall......... overall it was a good year for me, even if it was difficult sometimes. i cant tell if ive changed or not, and if so, for better or worse. no use thinking about it: keep acting in this world.

right now, i feel very hopeful about 2025. it's scary to feel hopeful, of course, but maybe i can feel that way for even just a few seconds before letting it go.

i feel at the precipice of a great change. i feel like the door is open, and i can see that the door has in fact been open for a long time, and i can see clearly that only my own self keeps me where i am. i feel like i can either break free and soar or ill miss the jump and stay stuck.

the wrestling of freedom with enmeshment.... can you hear the roar of the ocean....?

i guess my 2025 goal is to try and make that jump.

something needs to change. im going to need to make that change. im going to fall apart otherwise.

2025 - YOURE AN ADULT - ACT LIKE IT

SPEAK UP. BE OPEN ABOUT YOUR DESIRES. TRY OUT NEW WAYS OF BEING AND EXISTING. BE PREPARED TO APOLOGIZE AND CHANGE. LOOK OUT ACTIVELY FOR WHAT OTHERS NEED AND DO IT. DONT LET PEOPLE COMPRESS YOU DOWN. DONT BE SELFISH. YOU HAVE FREEDOM BUT OTHERS RELY ON YOU. FIND OUT WHERE THE BOUNDARIES LIE BY CRASHING INTO THEM. FOR BETTER OR WORSE, BALANCE IT. GOOD LUCK.